"I'm Very Flinchy"

Everything is relevant. We are in the midst of finding our selves. BUT our anchors are still tightly tethered to the days of swing set flying and bendy straws, of playground babble and whistles, of plastic rulers and social studies and spell check and line leaders. Not yet in the fields of mergers and quotas and meaningless banter about making rent and not being "committed". Remembering is painful, but to forget is lethal.

Every time something bad happens... like really terrible, I take a shower. And if it feels like my world's being smashed I sink down onto the floor of the shower and cry. I lay there tears streaming, but you'd never know because the water is running. Sometimes I forget where I am and almost drown, but it's a good reminder. After, I feel better, and I feel like listening to slow piano songs. I listen to the problems of who ever's singing and mine don't seem half as bad. My thoughts turn from "Nothing will be the same, no one cares about me, I will die without living" to "It'll all be okay, you know". That's how I get through it. That's how I survive my own mistakes. My own conscience.

When I was younger I used to judge people who were afraid to trust. I used to judge a lot about people who I didn't know. I'm sorry. I understand now. I understand now that everyone has left and trust is a foreign dream. I'm very flinchy, I thought I shoulder warn you. Also, it scares me when the vacuum is on before you plug it in, and it turns on as your sticking the plug into the wall. I don't like being startled. This is mindless babble. This is my brain streaming consciousness. This is a thousand ideas and one line of truth.

Thing I Hate about Myself #19
I'm afraid when I find someone they'll leave because I'll need them too much.