We've all been spending too much time thinking about other people. Thank you, I know I sound like an 80 year old psychiatrist, I do not give a crappola. It pisses me off, that the definition of ourselves derives from the root words of the demeaning thoughts and words of the people around us. Don't get me wrong, I think it's so important to be social, communicative, involved citizens in society. But at what point does it become moot.
At what point is it just white noise?
I've been trying to surround myself with the kind of kids (and I use that word very loosely) who are independent, with their own music, clothes, ideas about how the world should work, how they themselves should work.
I realized, that's completely counterproductive. That won't help at all. That just makes me show myself as trying to be one of them. Goddammit, there's no way to get around it. Nothing we do or are trying to do is new. It's all been done before. I'm doing it right now, as I type. I know I sound whiny, but I keep trying to think of what difference it makes, I can't come up with anything. What difference does it make.
This world has been around way too long. No, I take it back. The people who inhabit this world, who USE this world, have been around way too long. And what's worse, we keep making the same stupid errors. The same mistakes.
Domestic abuse, pollution, corrupt government, war, FRIGGEN TOO MUCH HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP. I split my brain trying to think of a way to beat it, to be different, it's impossible. I am nothing, I will be forgotten as soon as the people who knew me are.
Hell, I don't even know why I capitalize my I's. Sorry for the obvious depression, I needed a venting session.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Hope
Today, I had nothing to do. Well, truthfully I had nothing I really wanted to do. And so my father took it upon himself to drag us all to the Framingham Public Library... because I am forced to use my time wisely.
MORE TO THE POINT: driving by farm after farm, the signs began to blur. However, one in particular caught my eye (ow.). The sign read "Hopestill Reservation". Hopestill. Still hope. It got me thinking. What is hope?
Well, Webster's dictionary defines hope as: "The belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life" So still hoping is the relentless belief. But how long before one can't hope anymore?
When the cancer treatment doesn't work anymore? When the hurricanes and monsoons won't stop pounding your end of south-east Asian coast? When the rescue helicopters haven't showed up to pluck you out of the ocean where you have been patiently waiting for 4 days? I mean, I've noticed that humans have again and again exhibited the characteristic of being able to hope when ALL odds are against them. But at what point is it just not enough anymore?
I can't answer that question. The things that are important to me have never been pushed to the absolute limit... yet. I can only wish that when the time does come (because I do believe that this time comes in every person's life), I'll be able to work through it. I hope.
MORE TO THE POINT: driving by farm after farm, the signs began to blur. However, one in particular caught my eye (ow.). The sign read "Hopestill Reservation". Hopestill. Still hope. It got me thinking. What is hope?
Well, Webster's dictionary defines hope as: "The belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life" So still hoping is the relentless belief. But how long before one can't hope anymore?
When the cancer treatment doesn't work anymore? When the hurricanes and monsoons won't stop pounding your end of south-east Asian coast? When the rescue helicopters haven't showed up to pluck you out of the ocean where you have been patiently waiting for 4 days? I mean, I've noticed that humans have again and again exhibited the characteristic of being able to hope when ALL odds are against them. But at what point is it just not enough anymore?
I can't answer that question. The things that are important to me have never been pushed to the absolute limit... yet. I can only wish that when the time does come (because I do believe that this time comes in every person's life), I'll be able to work through it. I hope.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Eliminating Chaos
Why do I keep waiting. For my life to change, for my maturity and morality to grow. Why do I keep waiting for someone else to make it happen for me. Why do I keep waiting to take control. It's infuriating. And what's even more frustrating is that I can make it stop, make it go, make it be the best set of experiences of my life, just by pressing the button in my brain. But I'm too lazy, or too afraid of rejection or failure.
I've always been told, no one can do it for you. You live your life alone. It's a hurtful truth that one must learn, that EVERYone must learn, if they want to survive the harsh winter of their life. You've gotta do it yourself, and hope for the best by your own skill and coping. It's not the way it should be, but its the way it is.
Nature is a series of organized, systematic chaos. Humans try to eliminate that chaos. The reason political, economic, and legality system almost always fail to work (or at least have many pitfalls along the way), is because people are always trying to put it into a symmetrical pattern. People like symmetry. I've noticed that.
Maybe I should be noticing other things. Maybe not.
I've always been told, no one can do it for you. You live your life alone. It's a hurtful truth that one must learn, that EVERYone must learn, if they want to survive the harsh winter of their life. You've gotta do it yourself, and hope for the best by your own skill and coping. It's not the way it should be, but its the way it is.
Nature is a series of organized, systematic chaos. Humans try to eliminate that chaos. The reason political, economic, and legality system almost always fail to work (or at least have many pitfalls along the way), is because people are always trying to put it into a symmetrical pattern. People like symmetry. I've noticed that.
Maybe I should be noticing other things. Maybe not.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Hurt Junkie
Why do we continually put ourselves through torture only to catch a glimpse of what we can't have. I dunno, maybe it's just me. Yeah, yeah the grass is greener on the WHATEVER. It still doesn't change the fact. Fact. Stagnant. Constant. Unchanging. Shit.
"She says December, will help me remember."
WHYYYY why does life have to suck. Was the big wheel of fortune broken? Or just unlucky? Did it by chance land on SUCK instead of AWESOME and that was it? Maybe we have to change it ourselves. Whatever that means.
It's slipping through my fingers, like glitter in those of a toddler, no knowledge of the disappointment that will surely ensue. It's not fair, goddammit.
The melody hits me like a wall of sound, smashing into my brain into shards of hurt at the repeated realization that I can't have it. Over and over and over again like a mother yelling at her child. No, suffer.
Strangely enough, it's my drug. I know it's the closest I'll come to a taste - no, just the memory of happiness. I'm a hurt junkie. Crap.
And now I may never see her again.
"She says December, will help me remember."
WHYYYY why does life have to suck. Was the big wheel of fortune broken? Or just unlucky? Did it by chance land on SUCK instead of AWESOME and that was it? Maybe we have to change it ourselves. Whatever that means.
It's slipping through my fingers, like glitter in those of a toddler, no knowledge of the disappointment that will surely ensue. It's not fair, goddammit.
The melody hits me like a wall of sound, smashing into my brain into shards of hurt at the repeated realization that I can't have it. Over and over and over again like a mother yelling at her child. No, suffer.
Strangely enough, it's my drug. I know it's the closest I'll come to a taste - no, just the memory of happiness. I'm a hurt junkie. Crap.
And now I may never see her again.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Blocks
Closing time. Makes your heart ache don't it. You know what I dislike? When people make the argument that end should be happy.
No. They shouldn't.
Pretending to be la dee dah while your heart breaks (and may I remind you that is does NOT break even)is a lie to both ourselves and whoever, or whatever, we are saying goodbye to. LET'S BE REAL, PEOPLE. You're hurtin'. To feign happiness and joy is dishonesty. Love your feelings, learn to bring them into the light, where you can be proud of them. Bottling up your emotions that have to, long to come out, is dangerous and unhealthy, as we have all learned in 8th grade P.E. Don't deny it. You'll explode.
Anyway... I use that word way too much. Anyway, I was thinking about closing time as freshman year comes to an end. Dude. Changes. A lot of them. Like, I can't even begin to describe this shiz. It's just been a boatload of self-discovery, and discovery of other people too. It's all been good though. Someone once told me that no experience is ever wasted. Everything can be learned from. That's how i view this year.
No regrets, of course. Sometimes I just wish people would stay with me. Change is bad, I've decided but only when you're wishing it'll never come.
Before the year started, I cried. I actually bawled my eyes out for the end. The end of childhood, of grinning, of running around the playground, of pointing fingers and unwrapping white plastic lunch straws, of playing with blocks and having them knocked down. It's inevitable. Get used to it or get out of the way. Survival of the fittest, life's unfair, the whole nine yards. You learn, you adapt, or you perish.
You despise it, or you tolerate it and get along. This is life. This is us.
Pick up your blocks.
No. They shouldn't.
Pretending to be la dee dah while your heart breaks (and may I remind you that is does NOT break even)is a lie to both ourselves and whoever, or whatever, we are saying goodbye to. LET'S BE REAL, PEOPLE. You're hurtin'. To feign happiness and joy is dishonesty. Love your feelings, learn to bring them into the light, where you can be proud of them. Bottling up your emotions that have to, long to come out, is dangerous and unhealthy, as we have all learned in 8th grade P.E. Don't deny it. You'll explode.
Anyway... I use that word way too much. Anyway, I was thinking about closing time as freshman year comes to an end. Dude. Changes. A lot of them. Like, I can't even begin to describe this shiz. It's just been a boatload of self-discovery, and discovery of other people too. It's all been good though. Someone once told me that no experience is ever wasted. Everything can be learned from. That's how i view this year.
No regrets, of course. Sometimes I just wish people would stay with me. Change is bad, I've decided but only when you're wishing it'll never come.
Before the year started, I cried. I actually bawled my eyes out for the end. The end of childhood, of grinning, of running around the playground, of pointing fingers and unwrapping white plastic lunch straws, of playing with blocks and having them knocked down. It's inevitable. Get used to it or get out of the way. Survival of the fittest, life's unfair, the whole nine yards. You learn, you adapt, or you perish.
You despise it, or you tolerate it and get along. This is life. This is us.
Pick up your blocks.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Summatime & Dave
Ahhhhhh. Summer. Summa. Summatime (and the livin's easy?) I'm supposed to be doing math homework right now... but screw it, you know? It's summer time. And yes... the livin' is easy. Well, sort of.
Guess what. I found a high. Literally. You know that cute saying... "I remember when getting high was just on swing sets"? It's true. When I was little, I had an old, wooden swing suspended by two frayed white roped between two trees in my back yard. In my opinion, every kid should have this. Anyway, a couple years ago the old ropes finally gave out, unable to bend to my animated plea to complete and utter happiness. It had to come down.
HOWEVER
My daddy has just put it back up, after about 2 or 3 years. I never knew how much I missed it. Or how much it missed me. My legs contoured perfectly to its welcoming wooden bench. And when I'm rocking back and forth in it (and going really high too) I feel...free. Cliche, right? I know... but there really isn't any other way to describe it.
I feel such a rush as I fly forward. It feels dangerous and safe all at the same time. The wind flies over my face, through my hair, encircling me in its warm embrace. Blood flowing my legs as I pump them back and forth, back and forth. It's as close to high as I've ever come.
Another thing on my mind... I recently watched a Youtube video concerning Dave Matthews Band. The guy in the video was basically saying that Dave Matthews and all of the people who like his music are "fuckin' faggots". Yes, he really said that. Look it up. Now, besides being completely rude and uncalled for, in addition to extremely offensive... dude no.
He went on to say that "Nobody is born liking Dave Matthews...it's not a natural thing". First of all, fuck you, for your ignorant closed-mindedness. Second of all, I'm not gonna sink to your level and just say "oh... you suck man YOU'RE a fag." I've considered your point and yes. I do think that people "like" something just because their friends do. To fit in with the group. But is this such a bad thing?
I admit. I "like" Dave Matthews Band to fit in with the group. Hold, don't jump to conclusions. You mentioned before in your video that people use coping strategies. You used the example of hiding behind jokes to bring sensitive or dark subjects into the light so one is able to freely discuss them. For me, Dave is a coping strategy, and it works. So no. I don't think Dave's chord structures or lyrics are deep. BUT, they are a coping strategy that I use to find common ground with people I wouldn't otherwise talk to and get to know (who, by the way, are worth pretending to like something to gain access to).
Because I didn't know if you knew or not... but it's difficult gaining access to someone's personality and someone's friendship if you don't have that "key" - that one common thing that makes it less awkward. Dave is my key. Dave is my coping strategy. So the question is this: Is it better to have friends and have that unimportant, not so significant thing that you feign liking (which is WORTH it) or to not have friends and be completely honest with yourself. In my opinion, in this day and age, if you want to be successful in your life, it's better to overlook that coping strategy and focus on the relationships you've created. Also it got me thinking as to if it was possible to learn to like something if you've forced yourself to listen to it for the benefit of those relationships... because I'm pretty sure that's happening to me. He's pretty deep.
Guess what. I found a high. Literally. You know that cute saying... "I remember when getting high was just on swing sets"? It's true. When I was little, I had an old, wooden swing suspended by two frayed white roped between two trees in my back yard. In my opinion, every kid should have this. Anyway, a couple years ago the old ropes finally gave out, unable to bend to my animated plea to complete and utter happiness. It had to come down.
HOWEVER
My daddy has just put it back up, after about 2 or 3 years. I never knew how much I missed it. Or how much it missed me. My legs contoured perfectly to its welcoming wooden bench. And when I'm rocking back and forth in it (and going really high too) I feel...free. Cliche, right? I know... but there really isn't any other way to describe it.
I feel such a rush as I fly forward. It feels dangerous and safe all at the same time. The wind flies over my face, through my hair, encircling me in its warm embrace. Blood flowing my legs as I pump them back and forth, back and forth. It's as close to high as I've ever come.
Another thing on my mind... I recently watched a Youtube video concerning Dave Matthews Band. The guy in the video was basically saying that Dave Matthews and all of the people who like his music are "fuckin' faggots". Yes, he really said that. Look it up. Now, besides being completely rude and uncalled for, in addition to extremely offensive... dude no.
He went on to say that "Nobody is born liking Dave Matthews...it's not a natural thing". First of all, fuck you, for your ignorant closed-mindedness. Second of all, I'm not gonna sink to your level and just say "oh... you suck man YOU'RE a fag." I've considered your point and yes. I do think that people "like" something just because their friends do. To fit in with the group. But is this such a bad thing?
I admit. I "like" Dave Matthews Band to fit in with the group. Hold, don't jump to conclusions. You mentioned before in your video that people use coping strategies. You used the example of hiding behind jokes to bring sensitive or dark subjects into the light so one is able to freely discuss them. For me, Dave is a coping strategy, and it works. So no. I don't think Dave's chord structures or lyrics are deep. BUT, they are a coping strategy that I use to find common ground with people I wouldn't otherwise talk to and get to know (who, by the way, are worth pretending to like something to gain access to).
Because I didn't know if you knew or not... but it's difficult gaining access to someone's personality and someone's friendship if you don't have that "key" - that one common thing that makes it less awkward. Dave is my key. Dave is my coping strategy. So the question is this: Is it better to have friends and have that unimportant, not so significant thing that you feign liking (which is WORTH it) or to not have friends and be completely honest with yourself. In my opinion, in this day and age, if you want to be successful in your life, it's better to overlook that coping strategy and focus on the relationships you've created. Also it got me thinking as to if it was possible to learn to like something if you've forced yourself to listen to it for the benefit of those relationships... because I'm pretty sure that's happening to me. He's pretty deep.
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