Nothing's changed much. I suppose I should be happy. I'm terrified of change. I cried myself to sleep the last day of my 8th grade year at the prospect of high school and stress and separation anxiety. And oh look, everything that I was afraid of happening has happened. This stupid system has cut my ties with one of the people I value most on the surface of the planet. This system has screwed me over and over but I'm shackled to it. Sometimes I want to move to the bottom of the ocean. I hate going back and putting the word "sometimes" at the beginning of my sentences. I'm working on non-blanket statements; I am. But it feels like it should be the word always in my head. Blanket statements.
But when the change is happening to everyone around you and you're the one starting to lag it just... sucks. You start to realize that you're waiting for things to get better. "This year's gonna be different. This year I'll be great." And then you realize it's not the year that changes... you do. Fuck. Right? Whatever just go sit in your room for hours and blast chaotically depressing songs into your already aching skull. You fucking loser, you tool. You're a fucking tool.
Currently trying to think of something positive to write about, please hold.
I'm more accepting of myself, is that a start? Actually, I guess it's just that I know more about myself. I'm scared of growing up and forgetting what it's like to analyze the feelings that come at you one million strong all at once. I like that overwhelming-ness and then categorizing every one of them. I left the country last August. I don't even know what happened there. I'm afraid to just let the entire incident out because of who's reading this. Fuck, I've done it again.
Thing I Hate About Myself #24
I don't do my best at everything, even if I want it. My posture is bad too.
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