This warfare of me and myself has been going on for decades. I am just now becoming aware of its affect on me. Me and my soul. What is a soul? A slide show of memories and experiences all circuiting at once, like a string of multicolored horses circling around a track? No. That metaphor uses the approval others and their desire to bend you to their own agendas.
Is it really up to a human being to end another's life to end? I don't think we should be the ones to decide when that should be. It destroys the clock.
These feelings, welling up inside me. They're becoming my secret place. The place I go when I don't want to think about anything logical, practical, real. It haunts me, when these emotions seem like my weakness. Like a kid stealing candy. It tastes so good, but the aftertaste smolders with guilt.
They feed me, keep me sane. Either that or keep me company in my own insanity. Which is better?
There is a filing cabinet in my mind. The kind of filing cabinet that you see in old offices and schools, where people shouldn't care, but they do. I try to file these secrets, to find a place where I can organize them and shape them into the opposite of chaos... but it's impossible. That's like trying to mold clay into a priceless gem. It doesn't have it in it.
Normal isn't in the glossary of these secrets. It's a quiet chaos. A low rumble of continuous, pulsing thunder. Like the sound of all the violins playing before the curtain opens. "I just want to be pure."
All I want. Is to be pure.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Yeah, yeah. I know. It's been awhile. Get over it.It's not like there's really anyone listening anyway.
You know, it's funny when something that you see happening, that has nothing to do with you, can voice your opinion as strongly as if it did. Tonight, it's Friday night. I am a 15 year old girl, with friends. I should be going out, shouldn't I? Instead I'm sitting on my bed watching Glee on Hulu. How pathetic does that sound. A commercial came on advertising the popular contest reality show So You Think You Can Dance. At the top of the screen, there was a question with two options: Yes or No. The question was this: Is this relevant to you? Something clicked in my brain. I couldn't click an option. I genuinely and legitimately couldn't decide. And I've been dancing for 4 years.
The thing that crossed my indecisive mind was simple. It crosses every one's mind at one point. But because I have no way of knowing what anyone else is thinking unless they want me to, I have no idea if how much I am brooding over this is "normal". What is my purpose. You know, my place in life. The age old inquiry, Why the fuck am I here? Then another question popped into my head: What am I good at? I know this sounds like an episode of Barney concerning the self-confidence of an 8 year old, but bear with me. I can't help it.
I examine my classmates. Almost all of them mean something to the people around them. Sports, I see mostly. They have a team who relies on them. Earlier in the school year I tried out for the freshman basketball team, but I didn't make it because I had overestimated by skills in the sport. Is that what I'm doing with the rest of my minuscule, meaningless life? No one relies on me.
I'm being pretentious about what's going to happen to me and for me. My 4 years of dance have taught me that it's not going anywhere. I'm not good enough. There's nothing to fill the gap. These students have sports, music, theater, academic excellence to give them a ride to the top. I have none of these. Everything I've started that would hand me the same opportunities are gone now. I gave up violin in second grade, the saxophone in seventh grade, basketball in eighth grade. Oh. And as of now I have a D in geometry. A FUCKING D.
I'm just feeling so much pressure from everyone, from everything to get my act together before it's too late. Before I end up working at Wendy's. Right now I feel I have nothing going for me, even my social life is ruins, spent sitting on my bed watching other people have fun. I just don't know how to start. What's relevant to me?
You know, it's funny when something that you see happening, that has nothing to do with you, can voice your opinion as strongly as if it did. Tonight, it's Friday night. I am a 15 year old girl, with friends. I should be going out, shouldn't I? Instead I'm sitting on my bed watching Glee on Hulu. How pathetic does that sound. A commercial came on advertising the popular contest reality show So You Think You Can Dance. At the top of the screen, there was a question with two options: Yes or No. The question was this: Is this relevant to you? Something clicked in my brain. I couldn't click an option. I genuinely and legitimately couldn't decide. And I've been dancing for 4 years.
The thing that crossed my indecisive mind was simple. It crosses every one's mind at one point. But because I have no way of knowing what anyone else is thinking unless they want me to, I have no idea if how much I am brooding over this is "normal". What is my purpose. You know, my place in life. The age old inquiry, Why the fuck am I here? Then another question popped into my head: What am I good at? I know this sounds like an episode of Barney concerning the self-confidence of an 8 year old, but bear with me. I can't help it.
I examine my classmates. Almost all of them mean something to the people around them. Sports, I see mostly. They have a team who relies on them. Earlier in the school year I tried out for the freshman basketball team, but I didn't make it because I had overestimated by skills in the sport. Is that what I'm doing with the rest of my minuscule, meaningless life? No one relies on me.
I'm being pretentious about what's going to happen to me and for me. My 4 years of dance have taught me that it's not going anywhere. I'm not good enough. There's nothing to fill the gap. These students have sports, music, theater, academic excellence to give them a ride to the top. I have none of these. Everything I've started that would hand me the same opportunities are gone now. I gave up violin in second grade, the saxophone in seventh grade, basketball in eighth grade. Oh. And as of now I have a D in geometry. A FUCKING D.
I'm just feeling so much pressure from everyone, from everything to get my act together before it's too late. Before I end up working at Wendy's. Right now I feel I have nothing going for me, even my social life is ruins, spent sitting on my bed watching other people have fun. I just don't know how to start. What's relevant to me?
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