Weather

Why can't I cry?

I've wondered this for a long time. There's something wrong with me, I know it. I listen to saturatingly depressing music, I got 99 problems... let alone bitchez, and I never break down. I sit there and I immerse myself in the melancholy shadows of the world and the most I ever get is eye watering. Just that painful chest tightness. Am I heartless? It just makes me feel guilty - like I'm don't care about myself; I do. I promise. So why can't I let it out.

Sometimes all I feel like is a good hour-long sob fest, but it doesn't come. Last time I really cried was August, in a gross hotel room. Like that day where you know it's gonna rain, you're so sure, so ready for the cool pounding on the roof, but it taunts you. An interesting concept, weather taunting you. At this point I'm just waiting for it all to... rip out of my head. It seems so cruel of me. I don't know.

I kinda want to learn to play the piano. It's the greatest invention ever created, apart from the fridge. Keeps all yo food cold. Pianos don't do that. But I want to learn to play all the same.

I might have seen my 99 year old great grandmother for the last time in August. Ugh, August. It was so painful. She didn't speak a word of English, but she looked so happy sometimes. Her whole family in the same house. I can appreciate that. Other times she just stared sadly out th window onto the narrow street outside. Her arms were skinnier than Meg's. Barely any hair. So much heart. God, I wish I knew what she was saying when she spoke to me. I regret not spending a year there instead of a month.

I hate when people say "No regrets". Most times it's a lie. Sure, you gain valuable experience from everything, but don't tell me you wouldn't go back and change the rough spots if you could. No questions asked, I wouldn't have said that to him. I wouldn't have.

My first big decision about the mess coming up. Anyone up to making it for me? LOL. I refuse to take sides. One thing I won't do, ever. But how can I decide without doing that. Fuck.

I love this silence. It's happy silence, heavy and wrapping.